I’m out of kindness, out of compassion, thoughtfulness and joy
The happy soul that once lived here is tired & used like an old toddler’s toy
My heart is beating fast, my blood is boiling, my tears are a waterfall
I thought maybe love would save us, but I guess that’s not the case at all
There’s no solution for the pollution that lives inside my mind
The only thing I have left to look forward to is the life I carry and in him there’s love I will find..
Sometimes the walls feel like they’re closing in on me and I have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. What makes it worse is, the walls are in my mind and all I seem to have is myself and negative thoughts..unfortunately, self doubt and low self esteem temporarily controls my life. Explaining an inner battle that I’ve been experiencing on and off for years is very difficult. No matter how much I pour my pain out & my tears bleed down my face, my peers and loved ones never seem to fully grasp the entire concept. My heart screams for complete understanding instead of constantly feeling belittled or judged. Everyone wants to tell you to pray and be strong but what if you’ve already done that ? I continue to have faith everyday and never lose sight in God but this is a pattern. Every year for the past 6 or 7 years I’ve had this same feeling. It’s quite noticeable that when I start to feel this way, I start feeling as if I’m not good enough at anything I do and life for me is pointless. Being depressed and having clinical depression are two totally different battles. One is temporarily feeling sad about a situation and another is losing interest in everything that usually makes you happy, not being able to get yourself out of bed, doing things carelessly and not caring about the consequences because you have become numb. It is not a phase, it’s a pattern and until you get treated it will keep preventing you from living a normal life. There are many triggers to depression but the main one for me is not feeling appreciated or feeling like a burden. Depression for me is distancing myself from the real world, from friends, from jobs, my family, everything. If I’m not happy doing something and I feel like I’m being forced to do it that triggers me, which explains why college didn’t work because I never wanted to do that. When things got hard, it was easy for me to lose interest because I never was doing that for me. I’m constantly living my life for other people and taking advice that doesn’t really apply to me. I am not a one size fits all person and I feel my gifts and true talents are always being put to the side to impress other people. Success isn’t defined by a certain career, having a 9-5, being married before you have a kid, age, or financial status.Success comes in the face of adversity, when you’ve beat all of your inner battles and decide to take a leap and live for yourself. Back in 2018 when I left Target I was depressed, I was in cosmetology school with girls who were all in competition all damn day and then I had to go to a lousy job everyday after that barely paid me or treated me like a person. I was just an employee there and at school I didn’t feel like that was my calling, I felt as if I was a horrible stylist and was nowhere near physically talented as the other girls even though I understood the science behind hair with no problems. People talked about me behind my back, would say rude comments about me moving too slow etc ( I was always horrible at time ) Eventually, I got tired of that shit and just like college I stopped going, I’d miss class to go shopping because that made me feel better and sometimes I’d come to school and never go in, I’d just sit in the parking lot because I didn’t think it was worth my time anymore. All of these negative things I was thinking of course wasn’t true, I had clients that loved me and the fact I took my time lol but depression took over and it was never acknowledged or treated so again I gave up on something because of depression and anxiety. I was way too scared to take the test and fail.. I already felt like I wasn’t good enough so what was the point right ? Old school ways of thinking make people from the outside in think I’m just being lazy or not hardworking… neither one of those things are true about me. I have so many aspirations, I just have to get better before I can execute the master plan. I will get better and no matter what anyone thinks I should’ve/ could’ve done I will continue to follow my own path and do what makes me happy.
you are strong
you are powerful
you have a beautiful mind and a soul to match
you’re compassionate and selfless, often times putting others before yourself
you enjoy giving more than receiving
you’re humble and accept your blessings with grace
you’re a healer and at the same time you’re still learning to heal yourself
you’ve been through a lot and never change your heart
you constantly bless others and for that you will forever be blessed
So I turned twenty-five this past November ( yasssss she’s a Scorpio ) and I realized it has taken me quite awhile to grasp this concept but I know I’m not alone. Often times we, and when I say we I really mean ME lol, can get so caught up in what a person looks like that we don’t pay attention to the whole person in front of us. Of course it makes sense that we’re going to find people physically attractive before actually getting to know them but baybeeeeeeee, we need to relax and slow down sometimes because a lot of the times, physical appearance is all some people have to offer. Like damn, can I get physical attraction with a side of personality on the side ? goals ? support ? morals ?
After your first interaction with a person, which is when you usually notice if they’re your type or not, shortly after that you should pay attention to the little things they do that makes up the bigger picture of who they are. Its nothing wrong with lusting but if you’re looking for something more long term and only paying attention to their looks, you’re going to run into a huge problem. Typically, when you’re fascinated with how someone looks you speed past every flaw they have in the beginning. I’ve personally done it multiple times and after a few times of getting bamboozled I realized I wanted better for myself. People can be good at pretending to be something they’re not, “dressing it up and making it real for you” if you will lol. A lot of guys will put on this persona like they’re such a great human being with high standards and respect for women but that isn’t the case so you want to make sure he actually SHOWS you that.
I feel like it’s all in your maturity level and what you really want in life in regards to how people treat you. It’s so easy to confuse a fling for a thing these days because people are great actors/actresses. However, if you pay attention to small details you will never be steered wrong. A few examples you should be paying close attention to are as follows: how they communicate with you when there’s a problem, how they talk to/treat the women in their family, how they react to stressful situations, how they react when they’re upset and how they respond to you when you’re telling them something you’re excited about. Also, when a person is interested in you for YOU, they show interest in what you’re interested in, whether its a hobby or a new career choice. In all honesty, just because someone is attractive doesn’t always mean they’re for you.
love you first ❤
Where do you go when outside is closed and the walls are closing in on you ?
Where do you go when the emotions are running through you like spoiled milk on a hot day and you can’t save yourself from drowning in your own mess ?
Where do you go when the people closest to you can’t ease the pain ?
Where do you go when the sunshine is dim and there’s only rain ?
Where do you go when the love just isn’t the same ?
Where the fuck do you go ?
Being socially awkward in middle/highschool can really be frustrating because kids are very insensitive and have no morals most of the time. When you’re small and what most people think as of timid you instantly become a target. I remember trying to stay to myself as much as possible and never wanting to be in the spotlight. It wasn’t until highschool I attended games and extra curricular activities other than running track because I was SO terrified of crowds and what people would think of me, how I dressed, how I look etc. Having social anxiety really makes you overthink and be super self conscious.
Today, I am 25 years old and very much so still this way. Social anxiety can only be maintained with medication but not cured and a lot of people misunderstand my personality because of it. It’s so bad to the point where I actually wanted to get on medication but who really wants to be a lesser, zombie, version of them self just because of a disorder.
People often mistake me as being outgoing because I like to go out and have fun with my friends. When I’m around my friends, ( all more outgoing than myself ) I feel like I have a protective shield but unfortunately that shield isn’t quite strong enough and I’ve always relied heavily on alcohol to back that up.
I originally started drinking as a coping mechanism when I was going through a very rough patch in my life back in 2015 and that’s when the heavy partying followed up as well. I soon realized that alcohol gave me a power and that power was: social anxiety elimination. With liquor I could be myself in different environments and completely not give a shit about what anyone thought of me. As we all know this isn’t healthy at all and I don’t recommend it but this is my sad truth.
Over the years, I’ve battled with this anxiety and quite frankly I’m over it and wish I wasn’t this way. My friends didn’t understand at first why Is always say “I need a drink, I can’t do this” no quicker than we walked in the door. Everything makes me nervous and I can’t help it.
The next time you see someone who seems standoff-ish or anti social, please don’t assume they’re just stuck up. I really beg you to start a conversation with them because if they’re anything like me all it takes is someone to bring good vibes around and make them feel welcome. They will eventually warm up to you and you’ll realize they were never stuck up just nervous to talk to you.
A few years ago I made a blog post about being shy and how people usually perceive me in a different light because of social media, but after further research and education, I now know I suffer from really bad social anxiety. Social anxiety is a chronic mental health condition in which social interactions can cause irrational anxiety, fear, self consciousness and embarrassment. Growing up I never really knew how to explain it but as I got older I recognized certain patterns.
Reflecting on my my adolescence, there were multiple signs indicating that something was off when it came to meeting new people.Middle school was hands down the worst experiment in my life and I honestly wish I would have been exempt, especially in sixth and seventh grade. I was the new girl in sixth grade at Indian River middle during the middle of the damn school year ( thanks Mom lol ). I was forced to be in an unfamiliar area with no familiar faces except one girl I met at rec track practice. Don’t get me wrong, even at Lake Taylor Middle I was still quiet and awkward but I was comfortable. I had grew up with a lot of the kids from ingleside elementary and my best friend, Laquisha was way more outgoing/popular than me so she kept me grounded, everything was smooth. Nobody really bothered me at that school, I had friends and favorite teachers etc. I did get in a tad bit of trouble there though ( just detention) for talking but what’s new ? Life was great.
However, when I moved to Chesapeake, Virginia from Norfolk that’s when things were put into perspective for me as far as how I felt about new people. I didn’t talk to anyone unless I was spoken to and I didn’t look at anyone, I tried to remain as nonexistent as possible. Actually if nobody saw me the better, I was so extremely terrified of interacting with those damn kids and what they’d think of me to the point where I’d just isolate myself. Of course we all know in middle school isolation doesn’t work and you become more of a target for bullies and negative interactions and that’s exactly what happened. To make a long story short, I had one friend and her name is Zaria Bazemore. She was the only one that had my back through all the fake news/drama and hating, girls wanting to fight for absolutely no reason etc. My first day there, I sat in somebody’s seat and I swear nobody liked me that whole rest of the year… I ain’t lying lol. Then apparently somebody’s boyfriend tried to talk to me and also there were rumors of me starting shit with another girl I barely even knew. It’s all silly now but back then, boiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I wish I was a rock.
To make a long story short, I got highlighters thrown at me as I was walking to class, people would make rude comments every time I was around, it was crazy. Sadly, I didn’t really know how to stand up for myself that much and since I didn’t have any friends, I tried to avoid confrontation because those Chesapeake girls liked to jump people and I wasn’t messing up my hair or face for all’at. I just took it, and that shit messed up my head and made me hate that school and people in general even more. My dad had just died… from suicide and these kids were so mean to me. I was numb, nothing they had to say to me would top the pain I was already enduring. My silence wasn’t working and my anxiety was through the roof, I didn’t want to tell anyone especially not my parents. I just suffered. I finished sixth grade feeling like the ugliest, unlovable kid there was in the US. Seventh grade made it worse. I thought I made a new friend but she would tell all the guys ( even the cute ones ) at lunch that I was talking about them and I wasn’t, I never said anything and they hated me and called me ugly. One boy even said nobody will ever want you and that stuck with me for years to come.. but I’m not going into extreme detail like I just did because I know y’all tired of reading.
That’s the time period I feel my social anxiety either worsened or became more visible. After that, I didn’t really care for making new friends and I still would go out Norfolk where I felt comfortable on the weekends. By the time I got to highschool I didn’t care for any of that, I was so used to people being mean to me that I didn’t even try to make new friends. If you spoke to me cool but I still knew that didn’t mean anything and you could still be a snake. I found my tribe of friends and I stuck to them, I didn’t mingle in the halls of the popular kids and I didn’t say much unless spoken to. If I was in a class with a few people I knew, I’d be more comfortable but I became kinda disruptive at times. Making people laugh was really my only way out of being so anxious so when ppl would try to joke me I’d clap back quickly. I’ve had my fair share of parent calls and write ups for talking/disrupting class usually not just my fault but I’m the loudest so they’d hear me first.
I hated school, it wasn’t that I couldn’t do the work I just wasn’t being taught in a way that kept me interested/challenged or enthused. The only thing that kept me sane in High School was art, photography, English and lunch. People would call me dumb because I didn’t grasp the concept of math that well but they couldn’t even articulate, spell or any of that other shit you should be able to do in highschool. Either way it really got to me so now not only was I ugly and awkward, now I’m dumb too lol. I eventually just stopped letting the insults get to me and realized most of it was coming from people who were jealous of me or liked me.
Maybe I’m more fucked up than I thought..
I mean I’m receptive to the thought of having someone but allowing another person possibly hurt me to the point of no return isn’t an option. I look for things to go left so they won’t have to go right. . I’m scared.
What if you hurt me like the others ? They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I’m so certain you’ll eventually feel that way too, I’m damaged.
I’ve been trying to be more open with this whole feelings thing but it gets weird when I find myself getting too close to someone.. I’ve been disappointed, led astray , confused, misused and abused..I’m difficult.
I’ve been called that so many times from ppl who never had any intentions on trying to understand why.
I’m too deep. I like to explore what’s going on in other people’s heads so I can clarify and understand that the way they act/react are a product of their environment.
My environment was pain.
I’ve been better but from time to time I relapse into my past instead of accepting what’s in front of me.
I’ll never be perfect, I just hope you can see past my traumas.
I’m so glad I don’t look like the abuse and numerous traumas I’ve had to experience . I’m so glad I don’t have to belittle others or gossip about other women because I feel shitty about who I really am. Thank God I don’t wake up and decide to waste my brand new day spreading negative energy, rumors and lies about people & things that have nothing to do with ME. Im so glad I can say I’ve never made people miss out on money or opportunities because I disliked them. I’m so glad I was raised to remain humble no matter my situation & treat people with kindness. Thank God, I’ve learned not to judge or assume things about people. Ugly things don’t come out of my mouth or cross my mind & that’s what makes me beautiful .. not my physical appearance & for that I’m grateful.
