New beginnings

I can’t believe it’s already 2019. I feel like just the other day I was typing up my poem “I always hear the train” briefly ranting about my late night worries about having all of my shit together by 2020. Isn’t that crazy ? I was really up at 2a.m strictly stressing about my future, something I did quite often.

I’m aware I haven’t made a post since the beginning of December and it’s not because I haven’t had topics to write about or creative ideas but I’ve been scared. Yes, scared. Many people who may follow me or read my poetry/short stories may think I’m outspoken. Those people are terribly wrong. I always write what I feel but it wasn’t until this past year and a half that I even felt I was good enough to share my work with the world. Apparently, I’m good at this ..like good to the point where people are actively anticipating my next post. That’s wild.

A lot of people try to be super structured and stick to the rules when it comes to traditional writing but not me. I’m using curse words, slang, raw truths and expressing my REAL opinions. So when people say I inspire them, it still shocks me. Inspire ? INSPIRE?! * soulja boy voice* ( if you haven’t watched the breakfast club interview immediately stop reading & go do that )

A few lessons 2018 taught me were: remain positive at ALL times, the energy you put out is what you receive, insecure people will make you feel insecure and self doubt is absolutely unnecessary! This past month has been eye opening for me and I have manifested so many good things into my life in such little time ! I have completely rid of all negative thoughts/energy from my mind. I am at peace. Manifestation is scary real but that’s a whole different topic I’ll touch on another day. I can’t wait to write more, feel more and love myself more this year. This is only the beginning !

Love you guys and thanks for supporting me in advance

-Zayana

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Somebody told me to tell you ..

To whomever this may concern,

Life is hard, like OD hard ( extremely hard ) lol but no matter how many trials & tribulations we go through, we learn to remain strong, stay positive, and keep pushing. ANY bad situation you may go through will ultimately shape you and help you become a better person. For that, I am grateful for my experiences, good and bad. I used to always worry and wonder why things were happening to me, I felt like a target. I now realize I am a target. I am a target to receive many blessings and do great things. Nothing worth having comes easy and this is only the beginning. Whenever you feel like life is too much or you want to quit, remember that you were built for this ! Never give up. Stop doubting yourself and go out and do what it is you were destined to do ! Stop comparing your life to what you see on social media. Stop letting people get you out of character. Remove toxic people out of your life. Remove anything that’s bringing you negative energy and causing you stress. What’s for you is for YOU period. Don’t let anyone talk you out of your dreams and only surround yourself around people who support you ! I hope you feel encouraged after reading this, I love you guys đź’•

-Yana

WYM ?

You know exactly what I mean but you refuse to acknowledge my feelings

You refuse to admit you’re wrong

You refuse to take accountability even when I’ve taken partial blame for something that wasn’t even MY fault

You fail to show that you care & you somehow think words will make up for it

You choose what things you want to respond to, especially via text

You half listen , half care and put me through whole stress

I feel like you do this strategically to avoid certain conversations and to further piss me off

So instead of coming clean, you ask me what I mean

Emotions exist lol

Being human comes with many flaws. You will not always know the right words to say, the right things to do or the appropriate way to react to something that upsets you. What’s important is that you learn from your mistakes, recognize/acknowledge your shortcomings and grow from it all. You will never be perfect. God didn’t make us to be that way and you shouldn’t have anyone around you making you feel like you’re supposed to be ! If someone makes you feel bad for having emotions they are the problem. You can’t be mad at someone for being mad. Being around people who are narcissistic will have you feeling like you’re overreacting 24/7 when you’re just expecting simple consideration and reciprocity. If someone can’t talk to you when you’re upset and they choose to ignore you over the smallest misunderstandings, they have deeper issues within themselves. Stay away from people who don’t consider your feelings important. Healthy people talk through their issues and come to an understanding. You may want to be in a romantic relationship with someone like this but I am trying to save you. Don’t do it ! Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a person is like this in the beginning though because they may come off as a nice person but soon the signs will be clear.

I’m not good luv

11:17 pm

I cried last night. I hate crying & I hate dealing with people who make me cry and don’t even care that I’m crying. This shit is a cycle. A cycle of emotional abuse. No matter how many years or months I go without having interest in anyone, as soon as I do, I remember why I shouldn’t. I hate feeling betrayed and left out in the dark. I hate that people constantly say they want to be with me when they don’t. These same people who claim they want to be with me, don’t know how to be with me or any other good woman. I’m not perfect, I have many flaws but caring about someone, having loyalty, compassion and empathy for someone has never been an issue. I don’t understand why I attract the heartless, the emotionally unavailable, the nonchalant, the broken ..

I’m a nurturing spirit and a fragile soul. I keep telling myself no matter how much turmoil I endure, I’ll never change my heart. It’s almost gone black before but that’s not me, I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be the successful woman with no man because I’ve been too hurt to accept love ( like from the Tyler Perry Movies lol) It’s just scary how someone could treat you so badly when all you were trying to do is be there for them and care.. just trying to love them. I am mentally tired. I’m good on feelings, good on niggas & lies.

– maybe in another 4 years

Finding You

Often times you will hear people say “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else” and they are absolutely right ! I remember my mom saying that to me as a teenager, but I never quite understood. It wasn’t until I was about 21 when I finally understood what she had been saying all these years.

Self love is such a necessity when it comes to friendships and relationships. When you love yourself you know your worth, value your time, and protect your peace at all costs. When you don’t love yourself, you are easier to be targeted and taken advantage of.

Take some time for yourself

Learning to love yourself means learning what you like/dislike , getting in touch with your inner self, acknowledging and embracing your flaws and finding out what makes you happy ! During this time you should be doing different things, trying new foods, reading new books and researching random topics you’re interested in. One of the biggest things I learned on this journey to self love is what I really enjoy doing. A few years ago I would’ve never thought I’d be a cosmetology school graduate, doing makeup professionally, and you definitely couldn’t tell me I’d have a blog lol. I’m not the same person I was a few years ago and although I’m still a work in progress, I’ve come a long way ! Before this journey, I felt really discouraged and small. I had been in a very emotionally abusive relationship that tore me to shreds. My self esteem hadn’t been up to par prior to the relationship so you can imagine the mindset I was in. Nothing I did felt good enough, I didn’t feel pretty, I felt worthless and dumb. The great thing about that relationship is, it taught me so much and I’m such a better woman now because of it. If it wasn’t for my self esteem being stripped of me completely I wouldn’t of even got serious about my creative side. I started to do things I had no idea I was capable of. I became more outgoing/social, more in tune with my artistic abilities and driven about my entrepreneurship.

Start Healthy Habits

Another thing I noticed while on my self love journey is I started to care more about my health. Drink more water ! Exercise ! Even if you don’t really like exercising, take a walk and reflect on your day. Start a consistent skincare/ hair routine ! These are all things that helped me not only pass time instead of overthinking and being negative about my past trauma but it made me feel good. I even started meal prepping with my mom at one point ( meal prep is not for the weak ! lol ) Another important thing you can do is write out your goals and make a vision board. When you write out your goals, you are manifesting them and speaking them into existence. Grab a poster board from the dollar store, some magazines, colorful markers, sticker letters and some glitter and have at it ! It’s not only fun and creative but it’s an actual representation of what you want to accomplish in life.

Positive Affirmation

Last but not least, make sure you are being kind to yourself. We all have flaws, nobody is perfect. You should know that you’re a beautiful person inside and out regardless of what anyone else has to say. When you wake up in the morning, say a few things you are grateful for then follow up with something positive to start your day. If you tell yourself you’re going to have a good day you will. Speaking things into existence is real and your attitude is what determines what type of day you’re going to have. Buy sticky notes and write positive things on them then stick them on to your mirror. Everyday when you look in the mirror you will be reminded of those things ! Life is what you make it and self love comes with time. Focus on yourself. Don’t rush into relationships without knowing who you are first. Be patient and good things will come to you !