I got me forever

you wanna get to know me ?

Do you really ? Or is my physical appearance forcing you to say things you don’t really mean

Because I’m used to that shit and I’m not going to sit here and call you a liar but I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you want to explore what my mind has to offer rather than my body..

you’re the type to make girls fall in love with your facade, the first few months you’ll pretend to be the perfect guy for me and when I least expect it you will switch up, you will become less consistent, inconsiderate and insensitive to my feelings

I’m good on that

I’m good on feelings

I’m good on temporary people

I’m good on love

I got me forever

F*** Closure

A few years ago I thought getting closure was so important to the point where I’d feel so helpless and sad if I didn’t get it. A few years ago I was also naive.

Closure doesn’t necessarily have to be someone actually explaining to you why things didn’t work out or why they decided to treat you like trash and act as if you never existed. People move different and nobody is going to think or communicate the same way as you do. As fucked up as it is to just leave someone hanging without explanation, these people do not deserve you or appreciate you and they’ve probably already displayed that prior to you guys not talking anymore. You have to really sit back and pay attention to the signs when dealing with people.

Usually people treat you or carry you a certain way because that’s the only way they know how to, it’s not always about you being a good person. People don’t care about that shit. If someone doesn’t know how to communicate, you being a good person isn’t going to change that. Hurt people hurt people, it’s a viscous cycle but it’s up to you to really observe their actions and not ignore all the red flags.

The Public School System is Trash 🗑

So I’ve been thinking..

growing up, teachers would say I have so much potential, but I didn’t meet the credential and they failed to note that they couldn’t stimulate my mental.. where was that on my report card ?

We are not robots

We don’t all learn the same

Next time you sit with a kid, ask open ended questions and actually pick their brain.. but wait ? Can we do that ? Can we actually sit and obtain information from each child’s brain ?

Let me guess.. the ratio of students to a teacher is way too high, so we don’t actually get to know students, we just teach them enough to get by.

You love the logical-mathematical learner but what about the 8 other forms of intelligence? If you’re a teacher I know you’ve heard of Gardner. If a kid doesn’t grasp a concept right away it doesn’t make him or her less smart it just means they need to be taught a different way. Let’s take accountability here ! Children need good role models, patience & someone who genuinely cares about their performance not ridicule or embarrassment for not understanding something on the first try.

Teachers, right along with parents shape kids to be what they are as they get older so if we plant insecurities at a young age and make them feel less than, that’s what they will grow up to be..a walking question mark, never trusting their own decisions and downplaying their intelligence all because you told them they weren’t good at a particular subject.

Standardized tests don’t measure intelligence and neither does GPA. Your gpa honestly just measures your dedication and if school isn’t your thing because you’ve never been taught a way in which you understand, your gpa will reflect that.

We need better teachers and we need more understating from parents as well.

Also, parents please stop boasting about your kids to the point where they’re going to school embarrassing others for not learning the way they do, it’s a mirror of your own insecurities and character. I say this because those same kids grow up to be arrogant assholes all because they can crack a difficult equation they will never use in life under 2 mins.

We teach children it’s ok to be different but do we actually mean it or does it just sound good ?

Thanks for coming to my jumbled ted talk..

Explain this to me..

I don’t understand why you hate me..

Did I abuse me ?

Was I cruel to myself ?

Maybe I was & maybe I’m the one who needed help..

The deep cuts in my soul left ugly bruises on my heart

My peace of mind and self confidence was torn all apart

There was no me, I didn’t know her, just remembered small pieces

I couldn’t fix me, I was broken, I was tarnished & speechless

Lurkin

I’m not perfect but I know damn well I’m worth it

Sick of the hurtin and stressin and lurkin..

On your page to see if you’ve mentioned me..

Literally, subliminally, I don’t care

As long as I know I’m there,

in the back of your mind, it’s just not fair..

How can you forget about me ? Was I not enough ? This was not trust but only lust ?

I’m tired.. I keep checking to see if you miss me but nothing’s there

Even though you were never the type to share ..your emotions online like I tend to do, I thought you cared but that wasn’t true

I now see it was me all along, it wasn’t you.. you showed me who you were from day 1 and I didn’t believe it, didn’t run .. I was the one who didn’t keep it real with me, not you.

Your potential clouded my judgment, I already knew..you wasn’t shit

Invisible

Can I keep it real with ya’ll for a second ? This past week has been absolute hell, not because anything physically happened to me but I’ve been upset with myself.

Sometimes, I think myself into this information processing overload and it’s hard to stop. Everyday I try to remember what I’m grateful for & why I have a reason to keep going and these past couple of days, nothing has been working.

I hate that I go through things and feel so alone. Being alone & not having anything to do aside from laying in my bed & thinking even more makes things 100% worse !

Usually, I’ll go for a walk or go the beach or something & that’ll help but I didn’t have time to go.

Yesterday, I went to the pool by myself knowing it was closing in like 30 mins but it felt sooo good, I can’t explain it..I was the only black person in that damn pool by myself but a lady came and said one thing to me “It feels so good doesn’t it?” & that made me smile.. she then told me to enjoy the rest of my evening before she left..isn’t that crazy ? Another person simply acknowledging I was there gave me some sort of boost. I was like damn, maybe I’m not completely invisible.

As much as we hate to admit it, sometimes we just need people.

Be kind to strangers, you never know what type of day they’re having.

An Instant World

I hate that we live in such an instant world, we want what we want and lord forbid we have to wait or jump through any hoops to get it. I wish we could slow down and learn people, figure out why they act the way they do, what makes them happy, what makes them upset, what’s their favorite color or favorite memory as a child. .often we rush into things without getting to know who they really are. Then, we become upset because they eventually show us and it isn’t what we thought. How can you assume a person is a certain way based off of their physical features ? Anybody can be called attractive, fine, beautiful, gorgeous etc. but to get in my head and dissect every thing about me ? That’s raw. I feel like that’s genuine, I want that. .

Is it necessary ?

What’s love got to do with it ?

I’m fine

I’m content

I’m at peace

I am whole

 

What’s love got to do with it ?

I mean I love myself

I dont need anyone else

 I’m not stressed nor depressed

only pressed for success

plus I’m blessed

What’s love got to do with it ?

Is it necessary ?

Will I die without it ?

of course not so

What’s love got to do with it?

 

Have you ever ?

Ladies have you ever felt so happy inside and had no idea why but knew that you should be ?

Unhappiness like racism, is a learned behavior

Your upbringing and influences around you shaped your way of thinking when you were growing up and now your subconscious is full of negative thoughts and self doubt. When are you going to wake up and allow yourself to be great ? Why can’t you see your full potential ? Are you going to continue to make excuses for all your wonderful ideas or are you going to make your dreams a reality ? Get off your ass and out of your palace of complacency and CHASE your dreams.. not that lil ugly dude on Instagram.

He’s broke.

I believe that self love is marinating into your soul. To be at peace with yourself and what’s happening in your life is a blessing. Being happy isn’t as hard as we make it seem, happiness starts within and you will only be as happy as you allow yourself to be !

It’s time to reinvent yourself. Believe in yourself and you will always be successful ! Cut out any negative energy & people who aren’t contributing to feeding your soul. You are somebody. You have the power to be happy, Use it !

New beginnings

I can’t believe it’s already 2019. I feel like just the other day I was typing up my poem “I always hear the train” briefly ranting about my late night worries about having all of my shit together by 2020. Isn’t that crazy ? I was really up at 2a.m strictly stressing about my future, something I did quite often.

I’m aware I haven’t made a post since the beginning of December and it’s not because I haven’t had topics to write about or creative ideas but I’ve been scared. Yes, scared. Many people who may follow me or read my poetry/short stories may think I’m outspoken. Those people are terribly wrong. I always write what I feel but it wasn’t until this past year and a half that I even felt I was good enough to share my work with the world. Apparently, I’m good at this ..like good to the point where people are actively anticipating my next post. That’s wild.

A lot of people try to be super structured and stick to the rules when it comes to traditional writing but not me. I’m using curse words, slang, raw truths and expressing my REAL opinions. So when people say I inspire them, it still shocks me. Inspire ? INSPIRE?! * soulja boy voice* ( if you haven’t watched the breakfast club interview immediately stop reading & go do that )

A few lessons 2018 taught me were: remain positive at ALL times, the energy you put out is what you receive, insecure people will make you feel insecure and self doubt is absolutely unnecessary! This past month has been eye opening for me and I have manifested so many good things into my life in such little time ! I have completely rid of all negative thoughts/energy from my mind. I am at peace. Manifestation is scary real but that’s a whole different topic I’ll touch on another day. I can’t wait to write more, feel more and love myself more this year. This is only the beginning !

Love you guys and thanks for supporting me in advance

-Zayana