Depression

Sometimes the walls feel like they’re closing in on me and I have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. What makes it worse is, the walls are in my mind and all I seem to have is myself and negative thoughts..unfortunately, self doubt and low self esteem temporarily controls my life. Explaining an inner battle that I’ve been experiencing on and off for years is very difficult. No matter how much I pour my pain out & my tears bleed down my face, my peers and loved ones never seem to fully grasp the entire concept. My heart screams for complete understanding instead of constantly feeling belittled or judged. Everyone wants to tell you to pray and be strong but what if you’ve already done that ? I continue to have faith everyday and never lose sight in God but this is a pattern. Every year for the past 6 or 7 years I’ve had this same feeling. It’s quite noticeable that when I start to feel this way, I start feeling as if I’m not good enough at anything I do and life for me is pointless. Being depressed and having clinical depression are two totally different battles. One is temporarily feeling sad about a situation and another is losing interest in everything that usually makes you happy, not being able to get yourself out of bed, doing things carelessly and not caring about the consequences because you have become numb. It is not a phase, it’s a pattern and until you get treated it will keep preventing you from living a normal life. There are many triggers to depression but the main one for me is not feeling appreciated or feeling like a burden. Depression for me is distancing myself from the real world, from friends, from jobs, my family, everything. If I’m not happy doing something and I feel like I’m being forced to do it that triggers me, which explains why college didn’t work because I never wanted to do that. When things got hard, it was easy for me to lose interest because I never was doing that for me. I’m constantly living my life for other people and taking advice that doesn’t really apply to me. I am not a one size fits all person and I feel my gifts and true talents are always being put to the side to impress other people. Success isn’t defined by a certain career, having a 9-5, being married before you have a kid, age, or financial status.Success comes in the face of adversity, when you’ve beat all of your inner battles and decide to take a leap and live for yourself. Back in 2018 when I left Target I was depressed, I was in cosmetology school with girls who were all in competition all damn day and then I had to go to a lousy job everyday after that barely paid me or treated me like a person. I was just an employee there and at school I didn’t feel like that was my calling, I felt as if I was a horrible stylist and was nowhere near physically talented as the other girls even though I understood the science behind hair with no problems. People talked about me behind my back, would say rude comments about me moving too slow etc ( I was always horrible at time ) Eventually, I got tired of that shit and just like college I stopped going, I’d miss class to go shopping because that made me feel better and sometimes I’d come to school and never go in, I’d just sit in the parking lot because I didn’t think it was worth my time anymore. All of these negative things I was thinking of course wasn’t true, I had clients that loved me and the fact I took my time lol but depression took over and it was never acknowledged or treated so again I gave up on something because of depression and anxiety. I was way too scared to take the test and fail.. I already felt like I wasn’t good enough so what was the point right ? Old school ways of thinking make people from the outside in think I’m just being lazy or not hardworking… neither one of those things are true about me. I have so many aspirations, I just have to get better before I can execute the master plan. I will get better and no matter what anyone thinks I should’ve/ could’ve done I will continue to follow my own path and do what makes me happy.

2020 Blues

Where do you go when outside is closed and the walls are closing in on you ?

Where do you go when the emotions are running through you like spoiled milk on a hot day and you can’t save yourself from drowning in your own mess ?

Where do you go when the people closest to you can’t ease the pain ?

Where do you go when the sunshine is dim and there’s only rain ?

Where do you go when the love just isn’t the same ?

Where the fuck do you go ?

The Root of it All Part 2

Being socially awkward in middle/highschool can really be frustrating because kids are very insensitive and have no morals most of the time. When you’re small and what most people think as of timid you instantly become a target. I remember trying to stay to myself as much as possible and never wanting to be in the spotlight. It wasn’t until highschool I attended games and extra curricular activities other than running track because I was SO terrified of crowds and what people would think of me, how I dressed, how I look etc. Having social anxiety really makes you overthink and be super self conscious.

Today, I am 25 years old and very much so still this way. Social anxiety can only be maintained with medication but not cured and a lot of people misunderstand my personality because of it. It’s so bad to the point where I actually wanted to get on medication but who really wants to be a lesser, zombie, version of them self just because of a disorder.

People often mistake me as being outgoing because I like to go out and have fun with my friends. When I’m around my friends, ( all more outgoing than myself ) I feel like I have a protective shield but unfortunately that shield isn’t quite strong enough and I’ve always relied heavily on alcohol to back that up.

I originally started drinking as a coping mechanism when I was going through a very rough patch in my life back in 2015 and that’s when the heavy partying followed up as well. I soon realized that alcohol gave me a power and that power was: social anxiety elimination. With liquor I could be myself in different environments and completely not give a shit about what anyone thought of me. As we all know this isn’t healthy at all and I don’t recommend it but this is my sad truth.

Over the years, I’ve battled with this anxiety and quite frankly I’m over it and wish I wasn’t this way. My friends didn’t understand at first why Is always say “I need a drink, I can’t do this” no quicker than we walked in the door. Everything makes me nervous and I can’t help it.

The next time you see someone who seems standoff-ish or anti social, please don’t assume they’re just stuck up. I really beg you to start a conversation with them because if they’re anything like me all it takes is someone to bring good vibes around and make them feel welcome. They will eventually warm up to you and you’ll realize they were never stuck up just nervous to talk to you.

Heal

We live in a generation where turning cold has become so normalized and justified because we’d rather do that than to fully understand the situation at hand, not just that but do we even take time to actually understand how the other person is feeling or their point of view?
I can guarantee you that before shit hit the fan there were signs in a million places but you just weren’t paying attention.
I place the blame in equal parts of a bad situation. No matter what I’ve been through I’ll never have hate in my heart for a soul. If I fucked with you, that was real so turning my back was never an option..we crossed paths for a reason or a season & I’ve grown into such a better fckin person and woman because of all the bull shit so you will NEVER catch me holding grudges , being cold or pretending someone doesn’t exist, that’s truly corny..if you have to act like that then maybe you haven’t fully healed from your own shit and traumas so I pray you get your peace.
You can’t forgive anyone until you forgive yourself.You can’t forgive yourself until you self reflect and heal. When you truly love yourself, you treat others based on your character & not how others have treated you in the past. Your past doesn’t define who you are or negatively impact your character unless you let it. Hurting people, holding grudges , purposely inflicting senseless pain is a reflection of how you feel on the inside about yourself.
Heal Baby ..

I got me forever

you wanna get to know me ?

Do you really ? Or is my physical appearance forcing you to say things you don’t really mean

Because I’m used to that shit and I’m not going to sit here and call you a liar but I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you want to explore what my mind has to offer rather than my body..

you’re the type to make girls fall in love with your facade, the first few months you’ll pretend to be the perfect guy for me and when I least expect it you will switch up, you will become less consistent, inconsiderate and insensitive to my feelings

I’m good on that

I’m good on feelings

I’m good on temporary people

I’m good on love

I got me forever

F*** Closure

A few years ago I thought getting closure was so important to the point where I’d feel so helpless and sad if I didn’t get it. A few years ago I was also naive.

Closure doesn’t necessarily have to be someone actually explaining to you why things didn’t work out or why they decided to treat you like trash and act as if you never existed. People move different and nobody is going to think or communicate the same way as you do. As fucked up as it is to just leave someone hanging without explanation, these people do not deserve you or appreciate you and they’ve probably already displayed that prior to you guys not talking anymore. You have to really sit back and pay attention to the signs when dealing with people.

Usually people treat you or carry you a certain way because that’s the only way they know how to, it’s not always about you being a good person. People don’t care about that shit. If someone doesn’t know how to communicate, you being a good person isn’t going to change that. Hurt people hurt people, it’s a viscous cycle but it’s up to you to really observe their actions and not ignore all the red flags.

The Public School System is Trash 🗑

So I’ve been thinking..

growing up, teachers would say I have so much potential, but I didn’t meet the credential and they failed to note that they couldn’t stimulate my mental.. where was that on my report card ?

We are not robots

We don’t all learn the same

Next time you sit with a kid, ask open ended questions and actually pick their brain.. but wait ? Can we do that ? Can we actually sit and obtain information from each child’s brain ?

Let me guess.. the ratio of students to a teacher is way too high, so we don’t actually get to know students, we just teach them enough to get by.

You love the logical-mathematical learner but what about the 8 other forms of intelligence? If you’re a teacher I know you’ve heard of Gardner. If a kid doesn’t grasp a concept right away it doesn’t make him or her less smart it just means they need to be taught a different way. Let’s take accountability here ! Children need good role models, patience & someone who genuinely cares about their performance not ridicule or embarrassment for not understanding something on the first try.

Teachers, right along with parents shape kids to be what they are as they get older so if we plant insecurities at a young age and make them feel less than, that’s what they will grow up to be..a walking question mark, never trusting their own decisions and downplaying their intelligence all because you told them they weren’t good at a particular subject.

Standardized tests don’t measure intelligence and neither does GPA. Your gpa honestly just measures your dedication and if school isn’t your thing because you’ve never been taught a way in which you understand, your gpa will reflect that.

We need better teachers and we need more understating from parents as well.

Also, parents please stop boasting about your kids to the point where they’re going to school embarrassing others for not learning the way they do, it’s a mirror of your own insecurities and character. I say this because those same kids grow up to be arrogant assholes all because they can crack a difficult equation they will never use in life under 2 mins.

We teach children it’s ok to be different but do we actually mean it or does it just sound good ?

Thanks for coming to my jumbled ted talk..

Lurkin

I’m not perfect but I know damn well I’m worth it

Sick of the hurtin and stressin and lurkin..

On your page to see if you’ve mentioned me..

Literally, subliminally, I don’t care

As long as I know I’m there,

in the back of your mind, it’s just not fair..

How can you forget about me ? Was I not enough ? This was not trust but only lust ?

I’m tired.. I keep checking to see if you miss me but nothing’s there

Even though you were never the type to share ..your emotions online like I tend to do, I thought you cared but that wasn’t true

I now see it was me all along, it wasn’t you.. you showed me who you were from day 1 and I didn’t believe it, didn’t run .. I was the one who didn’t keep it real with me, not you.

Your potential clouded my judgment, I already knew..you wasn’t shit

I’m not good luv

11:17 pm

I cried last night. I hate crying & I hate dealing with people who make me cry and don’t even care that I’m crying. This shit is a cycle. A cycle of emotional abuse. No matter how many years or months I go without having interest in anyone, as soon as I do, I remember why I shouldn’t. I hate feeling betrayed and left out in the dark. I hate that people constantly say they want to be with me when they don’t. These same people who claim they want to be with me, don’t know how to be with me or any other good woman. I’m not perfect, I have many flaws but caring about someone, having loyalty, compassion and empathy for someone has never been an issue. I don’t understand why I attract the heartless, the emotionally unavailable, the nonchalant, the broken ..

I’m a nurturing spirit and a fragile soul. I keep telling myself no matter how much turmoil I endure, I’ll never change my heart. It’s almost gone black before but that’s not me, I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be the successful woman with no man because I’ve been too hurt to accept love ( like from the Tyler Perry Movies lol) It’s just scary how someone could treat you so badly when all you were trying to do is be there for them and care.. just trying to love them. I am mentally tired. I’m good on feelings, good on niggas & lies.

– maybe in another 4 years

Finding You

Often times you will hear people say “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else” and they are absolutely right ! I remember my mom saying that to me as a teenager, but I never quite understood. It wasn’t until I was about 21 when I finally understood what she had been saying all these years.

Self love is such a necessity when it comes to friendships and relationships. When you love yourself you know your worth, value your time, and protect your peace at all costs. When you don’t love yourself, you are easier to be targeted and taken advantage of.

Take some time for yourself

Learning to love yourself means learning what you like/dislike , getting in touch with your inner self, acknowledging and embracing your flaws and finding out what makes you happy ! During this time you should be doing different things, trying new foods, reading new books and researching random topics you’re interested in. One of the biggest things I learned on this journey to self love is what I really enjoy doing. A few years ago I would’ve never thought I’d be a cosmetology school graduate, doing makeup professionally, and you definitely couldn’t tell me I’d have a blog lol. I’m not the same person I was a few years ago and although I’m still a work in progress, I’ve come a long way ! Before this journey, I felt really discouraged and small. I had been in a very emotionally abusive relationship that tore me to shreds. My self esteem hadn’t been up to par prior to the relationship so you can imagine the mindset I was in. Nothing I did felt good enough, I didn’t feel pretty, I felt worthless and dumb. The great thing about that relationship is, it taught me so much and I’m such a better woman now because of it. If it wasn’t for my self esteem being stripped of me completely I wouldn’t of even got serious about my creative side. I started to do things I had no idea I was capable of. I became more outgoing/social, more in tune with my artistic abilities and driven about my entrepreneurship.

Start Healthy Habits

Another thing I noticed while on my self love journey is I started to care more about my health. Drink more water ! Exercise ! Even if you don’t really like exercising, take a walk and reflect on your day. Start a consistent skincare/ hair routine ! These are all things that helped me not only pass time instead of overthinking and being negative about my past trauma but it made me feel good. I even started meal prepping with my mom at one point ( meal prep is not for the weak ! lol ) Another important thing you can do is write out your goals and make a vision board. When you write out your goals, you are manifesting them and speaking them into existence. Grab a poster board from the dollar store, some magazines, colorful markers, sticker letters and some glitter and have at it ! It’s not only fun and creative but it’s an actual representation of what you want to accomplish in life.

Positive Affirmation

Last but not least, make sure you are being kind to yourself. We all have flaws, nobody is perfect. You should know that you’re a beautiful person inside and out regardless of what anyone else has to say. When you wake up in the morning, say a few things you are grateful for then follow up with something positive to start your day. If you tell yourself you’re going to have a good day you will. Speaking things into existence is real and your attitude is what determines what type of day you’re going to have. Buy sticky notes and write positive things on them then stick them on to your mirror. Everyday when you look in the mirror you will be reminded of those things ! Life is what you make it and self love comes with time. Focus on yourself. Don’t rush into relationships without knowing who you are first. Be patient and good things will come to you !