The Root of it All Part 2

Being socially awkward in middle/highschool can really be frustrating because kids are very insensitive and have no morals most of the time. When you’re small and what most people think as of timid you instantly become a target. I remember trying to stay to myself as much as possible and never wanting to be in the spotlight. It wasn’t until highschool I attended games and extra curricular activities other than running track because I was SO terrified of crowds and what people would think of me, how I dressed, how I look etc. Having social anxiety really makes you overthink and be super self conscious.

Today, I am 25 years old and very much so still this way. Social anxiety can only be maintained with medication but not cured and a lot of people misunderstand my personality because of it. It’s so bad to the point where I actually wanted to get on medication but who really wants to be a lesser, zombie, version of them self just because of a disorder.

People often mistake me as being outgoing because I like to go out and have fun with my friends. When I’m around my friends, ( all more outgoing than myself ) I feel like I have a protective shield but unfortunately that shield isn’t quite strong enough and I’ve always relied heavily on alcohol to back that up.

I originally started drinking as a coping mechanism when I was going through a very rough patch in my life back in 2015 and that’s when the heavy partying followed up as well. I soon realized that alcohol gave me a power and that power was: social anxiety elimination. With liquor I could be myself in different environments and completely not give a shit about what anyone thought of me. As we all know this isn’t healthy at all and I don’t recommend it but this is my sad truth.

Over the years, I’ve battled with this anxiety and quite frankly I’m over it and wish I wasn’t this way. My friends didn’t understand at first why Is always say “I need a drink, I can’t do this” no quicker than we walked in the door. Everything makes me nervous and I can’t help it.

The next time you see someone who seems standoff-ish or anti social, please don’t assume they’re just stuck up. I really beg you to start a conversation with them because if they’re anything like me all it takes is someone to bring good vibes around and make them feel welcome. They will eventually warm up to you and you’ll realize they were never stuck up just nervous to talk to you.

Explain this to me..

I don’t understand why you hate me..

Did I abuse me ?

Was I cruel to myself ?

Maybe I was & maybe I’m the one who needed help..

The deep cuts in my soul left ugly bruises on my heart

My peace of mind and self confidence was torn all apart

There was no me, I didn’t know her, just remembered small pieces

I couldn’t fix me, I was broken, I was tarnished & speechless

I always hear the train..

3:25 A.M

It’s late and I can’t sleep, my body is on toss, turn, repeat..
My mind is on the year 2020, seems like plenty of time to get my life together but is it really ? 

This damn train is driving me insane, it rattles my house like dudes rattle my brain 

I always hear the train because I’m always up late

I’m always up late because I always hear the train..