2020 Blues

Where do you go when outside is closed and the walls are closing in on you ?

Where do you go when the emotions are running through you like spoiled milk on a hot day and you can’t save yourself from drowning in your own mess ?

Where do you go when the people closest to you can’t ease the pain ?

Where do you go when the sunshine is dim and there’s only rain ?

Where do you go when the love just isn’t the same ?

Where the fuck do you go ?

Projection

Maybe I’m more fucked up than I thought..

I mean I’m receptive to the thought of having someone but allowing another person possibly hurt me to the point of no return isn’t an option. I look for things to go left so they won’t have to go right. . I’m scared.

What if you hurt me like the others ? They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I’m so certain you’ll eventually feel that way too, I’m damaged.

I’ve been trying to be more open with this whole feelings thing but it gets weird when I find myself getting too close to someone.. I’ve been disappointed, led astray , confused, misused and abused..I’m difficult.

I’ve been called that so many times from ppl who never had any intentions on trying to understand why.

I’m too deep. I like to explore what’s going on in other people’s heads so I can clarify and understand that the way they act/react are a product of their environment.

My environment was pain.

I’ve been better but from time to time I relapse into my past instead of accepting what’s in front of me.

I’ll never be perfect, I just hope you can see past my traumas.

Heal

We live in a generation where turning cold has become so normalized and justified because we’d rather do that than to fully understand the situation at hand, not just that but do we even take time to actually understand how the other person is feeling or their point of view?
I can guarantee you that before shit hit the fan there were signs in a million places but you just weren’t paying attention.
I place the blame in equal parts of a bad situation. No matter what I’ve been through I’ll never have hate in my heart for a soul. If I fucked with you, that was real so turning my back was never an option..we crossed paths for a reason or a season & I’ve grown into such a better fckin person and woman because of all the bull shit so you will NEVER catch me holding grudges , being cold or pretending someone doesn’t exist, that’s truly corny..if you have to act like that then maybe you haven’t fully healed from your own shit and traumas so I pray you get your peace.
You can’t forgive anyone until you forgive yourself.You can’t forgive yourself until you self reflect and heal. When you truly love yourself, you treat others based on your character & not how others have treated you in the past. Your past doesn’t define who you are or negatively impact your character unless you let it. Hurting people, holding grudges , purposely inflicting senseless pain is a reflection of how you feel on the inside about yourself.
Heal Baby ..

I got me forever

you wanna get to know me ?

Do you really ? Or is my physical appearance forcing you to say things you don’t really mean

Because I’m used to that shit and I’m not going to sit here and call you a liar but I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you want to explore what my mind has to offer rather than my body..

you’re the type to make girls fall in love with your facade, the first few months you’ll pretend to be the perfect guy for me and when I least expect it you will switch up, you will become less consistent, inconsiderate and insensitive to my feelings

I’m good on that

I’m good on feelings

I’m good on temporary people

I’m good on love

I got me forever

F*** Closure

A few years ago I thought getting closure was so important to the point where I’d feel so helpless and sad if I didn’t get it. A few years ago I was also naive.

Closure doesn’t necessarily have to be someone actually explaining to you why things didn’t work out or why they decided to treat you like trash and act as if you never existed. People move different and nobody is going to think or communicate the same way as you do. As fucked up as it is to just leave someone hanging without explanation, these people do not deserve you or appreciate you and they’ve probably already displayed that prior to you guys not talking anymore. You have to really sit back and pay attention to the signs when dealing with people.

Usually people treat you or carry you a certain way because that’s the only way they know how to, it’s not always about you being a good person. People don’t care about that shit. If someone doesn’t know how to communicate, you being a good person isn’t going to change that. Hurt people hurt people, it’s a viscous cycle but it’s up to you to really observe their actions and not ignore all the red flags.

Lurkin

I’m not perfect but I know damn well I’m worth it

Sick of the hurtin and stressin and lurkin..

On your page to see if you’ve mentioned me..

Literally, subliminally, I don’t care

As long as I know I’m there,

in the back of your mind, it’s just not fair..

How can you forget about me ? Was I not enough ? This was not trust but only lust ?

I’m tired.. I keep checking to see if you miss me but nothing’s there

Even though you were never the type to share ..your emotions online like I tend to do, I thought you cared but that wasn’t true

I now see it was me all along, it wasn’t you.. you showed me who you were from day 1 and I didn’t believe it, didn’t run .. I was the one who didn’t keep it real with me, not you.

Your potential clouded my judgment, I already knew..you wasn’t shit

I’m not good luv

11:17 pm

I cried last night. I hate crying & I hate dealing with people who make me cry and don’t even care that I’m crying. This shit is a cycle. A cycle of emotional abuse. No matter how many years or months I go without having interest in anyone, as soon as I do, I remember why I shouldn’t. I hate feeling betrayed and left out in the dark. I hate that people constantly say they want to be with me when they don’t. These same people who claim they want to be with me, don’t know how to be with me or any other good woman. I’m not perfect, I have many flaws but caring about someone, having loyalty, compassion and empathy for someone has never been an issue. I don’t understand why I attract the heartless, the emotionally unavailable, the nonchalant, the broken ..

I’m a nurturing spirit and a fragile soul. I keep telling myself no matter how much turmoil I endure, I’ll never change my heart. It’s almost gone black before but that’s not me, I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be the successful woman with no man because I’ve been too hurt to accept love ( like from the Tyler Perry Movies lol) It’s just scary how someone could treat you so badly when all you were trying to do is be there for them and care.. just trying to love them. I am mentally tired. I’m good on feelings, good on niggas & lies.

– maybe in another 4 years

The “L” word

In the words of Ghandi, “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave”. Love is like a never ending rollercoaster, either you feel like you’re at an ultimate high or you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. It is something unexplainable, undefinable, and unexpected. When you fall in love, it’s like that first spoonful of cookie dough ice-cream you’ve long waited and craved for, but now it’s finally time to indulge. Love makes you want to try new things and step outside of your comfort zone. Love is when you start using each other’s slang, and laughing at each other’s jokes, no matter how corny they are. Love is having moments where you look at each other and say nothing, but nothing means everything because even the silence is a strong, deep, mutual, connection. Love is saying “I’m sorry”, even when you’ve done nothing wrong because the argument isn’t worth losing the person. Unfortunately, love is also the same thing that will make you feel stupid, make you feel worthless, hurt, and leave you confused. Love will cause you to overthink things and have many sleepless nights. Love is like a drug, it will sometimes have you thinking unrealistically and will cloud your better judgement. Love is pain, and the first cut is definitely the deepest. However, love is also understanding, communication, patience, and kindness. Love can be healed, but only if two people desire to fix it. Love is sometimes one sided and that’s where it gets tricky. Falling in love is easy but falling out is hard, so take your time and pay attention to details because true love will find you.