Projection

Maybe I’m more fucked up than I thought..

I mean I’m receptive to the thought of having someone but allowing another person possibly hurt me to the point of no return isn’t an option. I look for things to go left so they won’t have to go right. . I’m scared.

What if you hurt me like the others ? They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I’m so certain you’ll eventually feel that way too, I’m damaged.

I’ve been trying to be more open with this whole feelings thing but it gets weird when I find myself getting too close to someone.. I’ve been disappointed, led astray , confused, misused and abused..I’m difficult.

I’ve been called that so many times from ppl who never had any intentions on trying to understand why.

I’m too deep. I like to explore what’s going on in other people’s heads so I can clarify and understand that the way they act/react are a product of their environment.

My environment was pain.

I’ve been better but from time to time I relapse into my past instead of accepting what’s in front of me.

I’ll never be perfect, I just hope you can see past my traumas.

Heal

We live in a generation where turning cold has become so normalized and justified because we’d rather do that than to fully understand the situation at hand, not just that but do we even take time to actually understand how the other person is feeling or their point of view?
I can guarantee you that before shit hit the fan there were signs in a million places but you just weren’t paying attention.
I place the blame in equal parts of a bad situation. No matter what I’ve been through I’ll never have hate in my heart for a soul. If I fucked with you, that was real so turning my back was never an option..we crossed paths for a reason or a season & I’ve grown into such a better fckin person and woman because of all the bull shit so you will NEVER catch me holding grudges , being cold or pretending someone doesn’t exist, that’s truly corny..if you have to act like that then maybe you haven’t fully healed from your own shit and traumas so I pray you get your peace.
You can’t forgive anyone until you forgive yourself.You can’t forgive yourself until you self reflect and heal. When you truly love yourself, you treat others based on your character & not how others have treated you in the past. Your past doesn’t define who you are or negatively impact your character unless you let it. Hurting people, holding grudges , purposely inflicting senseless pain is a reflection of how you feel on the inside about yourself.
Heal Baby ..

I got me forever

you wanna get to know me ?

Do you really ? Or is my physical appearance forcing you to say things you don’t really mean

Because I’m used to that shit and I’m not going to sit here and call you a liar but I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you want to explore what my mind has to offer rather than my body..

you’re the type to make girls fall in love with your facade, the first few months you’ll pretend to be the perfect guy for me and when I least expect it you will switch up, you will become less consistent, inconsiderate and insensitive to my feelings

I’m good on that

I’m good on feelings

I’m good on temporary people

I’m good on love

I got me forever

F*** Closure

A few years ago I thought getting closure was so important to the point where I’d feel so helpless and sad if I didn’t get it. A few years ago I was also naive.

Closure doesn’t necessarily have to be someone actually explaining to you why things didn’t work out or why they decided to treat you like trash and act as if you never existed. People move different and nobody is going to think or communicate the same way as you do. As fucked up as it is to just leave someone hanging without explanation, these people do not deserve you or appreciate you and they’ve probably already displayed that prior to you guys not talking anymore. You have to really sit back and pay attention to the signs when dealing with people.

Usually people treat you or carry you a certain way because that’s the only way they know how to, it’s not always about you being a good person. People don’t care about that shit. If someone doesn’t know how to communicate, you being a good person isn’t going to change that. Hurt people hurt people, it’s a viscous cycle but it’s up to you to really observe their actions and not ignore all the red flags.

Explain this to me..

I don’t understand why you hate me..

Did I abuse me ?

Was I cruel to myself ?

Maybe I was & maybe I’m the one who needed help..

The deep cuts in my soul left ugly bruises on my heart

My peace of mind and self confidence was torn all apart

There was no me, I didn’t know her, just remembered small pieces

I couldn’t fix me, I was broken, I was tarnished & speechless

Lurkin

I’m not perfect but I know damn well I’m worth it

Sick of the hurtin and stressin and lurkin..

On your page to see if you’ve mentioned me..

Literally, subliminally, I don’t care

As long as I know I’m there,

in the back of your mind, it’s just not fair..

How can you forget about me ? Was I not enough ? This was not trust but only lust ?

I’m tired.. I keep checking to see if you miss me but nothing’s there

Even though you were never the type to share ..your emotions online like I tend to do, I thought you cared but that wasn’t true

I now see it was me all along, it wasn’t you.. you showed me who you were from day 1 and I didn’t believe it, didn’t run .. I was the one who didn’t keep it real with me, not you.

Your potential clouded my judgment, I already knew..you wasn’t shit

I’m not good luv

11:17 pm

I cried last night. I hate crying & I hate dealing with people who make me cry and don’t even care that I’m crying. This shit is a cycle. A cycle of emotional abuse. No matter how many years or months I go without having interest in anyone, as soon as I do, I remember why I shouldn’t. I hate feeling betrayed and left out in the dark. I hate that people constantly say they want to be with me when they don’t. These same people who claim they want to be with me, don’t know how to be with me or any other good woman. I’m not perfect, I have many flaws but caring about someone, having loyalty, compassion and empathy for someone has never been an issue. I don’t understand why I attract the heartless, the emotionally unavailable, the nonchalant, the broken ..

I’m a nurturing spirit and a fragile soul. I keep telling myself no matter how much turmoil I endure, I’ll never change my heart. It’s almost gone black before but that’s not me, I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be the successful woman with no man because I’ve been too hurt to accept love ( like from the Tyler Perry Movies lol) It’s just scary how someone could treat you so badly when all you were trying to do is be there for them and care.. just trying to love them. I am mentally tired. I’m good on feelings, good on niggas & lies.

– maybe in another 4 years

Finding You

Often times you will hear people say “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else” and they are absolutely right ! I remember my mom saying that to me as a teenager, but I never quite understood. It wasn’t until I was about 21 when I finally understood what she had been saying all these years.

Self love is such a necessity when it comes to friendships and relationships. When you love yourself you know your worth, value your time, and protect your peace at all costs. When you don’t love yourself, you are easier to be targeted and taken advantage of.

Take some time for yourself

Learning to love yourself means learning what you like/dislike , getting in touch with your inner self, acknowledging and embracing your flaws and finding out what makes you happy ! During this time you should be doing different things, trying new foods, reading new books and researching random topics you’re interested in. One of the biggest things I learned on this journey to self love is what I really enjoy doing. A few years ago I would’ve never thought I’d be a cosmetology school graduate, doing makeup professionally, and you definitely couldn’t tell me I’d have a blog lol. I’m not the same person I was a few years ago and although I’m still a work in progress, I’ve come a long way ! Before this journey, I felt really discouraged and small. I had been in a very emotionally abusive relationship that tore me to shreds. My self esteem hadn’t been up to par prior to the relationship so you can imagine the mindset I was in. Nothing I did felt good enough, I didn’t feel pretty, I felt worthless and dumb. The great thing about that relationship is, it taught me so much and I’m such a better woman now because of it. If it wasn’t for my self esteem being stripped of me completely I wouldn’t of even got serious about my creative side. I started to do things I had no idea I was capable of. I became more outgoing/social, more in tune with my artistic abilities and driven about my entrepreneurship.

Start Healthy Habits

Another thing I noticed while on my self love journey is I started to care more about my health. Drink more water ! Exercise ! Even if you don’t really like exercising, take a walk and reflect on your day. Start a consistent skincare/ hair routine ! These are all things that helped me not only pass time instead of overthinking and being negative about my past trauma but it made me feel good. I even started meal prepping with my mom at one point ( meal prep is not for the weak ! lol ) Another important thing you can do is write out your goals and make a vision board. When you write out your goals, you are manifesting them and speaking them into existence. Grab a poster board from the dollar store, some magazines, colorful markers, sticker letters and some glitter and have at it ! It’s not only fun and creative but it’s an actual representation of what you want to accomplish in life.

Positive Affirmation

Last but not least, make sure you are being kind to yourself. We all have flaws, nobody is perfect. You should know that you’re a beautiful person inside and out regardless of what anyone else has to say. When you wake up in the morning, say a few things you are grateful for then follow up with something positive to start your day. If you tell yourself you’re going to have a good day you will. Speaking things into existence is real and your attitude is what determines what type of day you’re going to have. Buy sticky notes and write positive things on them then stick them on to your mirror. Everyday when you look in the mirror you will be reminded of those things ! Life is what you make it and self love comes with time. Focus on yourself. Don’t rush into relationships without knowing who you are first. Be patient and good things will come to you !

Are you interested in/dating a clout chaser ?

So boom, it’s the year 2018 and let’s be real, going viral and gaining social media popularity has become one of the sickest trends in history. With that being said, we have all been around or known someone who was strangely addicted to being seen. Some people take being in the spotlight so seriously that it becomes unhealthy in daily life, this is a term we refer to as clout chasing.

Clout chaser a person who hangs out with or talks to someone because of how popular they are.

Here are a few signs that your IG crush may be a clout chaser and how to avoid dealing with those cringe worthy type of people.

#1 They check their likes …often

So there’s nothing wrong with going back to a picture to see who checked out your latest post, especially if you’re checking to see if your crush liked it ( the whole reason you posted the pic in the first place lmao ) but if you notice that a person is constantly checking while you’re with them, something is terribly wrong. Social media shouldn’t take over your life and likes shouldn’t validate who you are.

#2 They brag about how many likes they have

Ok sis.. or bro ( whichever you prefer ) if this person is making a point to tell you exactly how many likes they have on their new picture, that’s a little ..obsessive. When a person tells you how many likes they have, check to see if they have a big ass koolaid smile on their face. If they have this dumb ass smile you should then ask to see the post. Then if it so happens that the post is them half naked, bent over, twerking etc. RUN my guy. If it’s a male and he’s smiling about how many likes he has and it’s just a post of him with designer on.. well he corny for checking his likes period. Usually these people are extremely self centered and live in lala land.

#3 They are checking for YOUR likes

Self explanatory but if a person is interested in your likes on social media and making comments about it, are they really interested in you or your popularity ? Likes don’t equate to being a good person which is what matters the most. Stay away from people who make you feel lame for not getting as many likes and also people who always point out how many likes you have.

There are a plethora of signs to tell someone is clout chasing and I could go on and on but to sum it up, make sure people aren’t so engrossed into social media that they forget to talk to and get to know the actual human being in front of them. Pay attention to the signs and remember social media popularity doesn’t matter. Being your true, genuine self and putting positivity into the universe is what matters !

The “L” word

In the words of Ghandi, “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave”. Love is like a never ending rollercoaster, either you feel like you’re at an ultimate high or you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. It is something unexplainable, undefinable, and unexpected. When you fall in love, it’s like that first spoonful of cookie dough ice-cream you’ve long waited and craved for, but now it’s finally time to indulge. Love makes you want to try new things and step outside of your comfort zone. Love is when you start using each other’s slang, and laughing at each other’s jokes, no matter how corny they are. Love is having moments where you look at each other and say nothing, but nothing means everything because even the silence is a strong, deep, mutual, connection. Love is saying “I’m sorry”, even when you’ve done nothing wrong because the argument isn’t worth losing the person. Unfortunately, love is also the same thing that will make you feel stupid, make you feel worthless, hurt, and leave you confused. Love will cause you to overthink things and have many sleepless nights. Love is like a drug, it will sometimes have you thinking unrealistically and will cloud your better judgement. Love is pain, and the first cut is definitely the deepest. However, love is also understanding, communication, patience, and kindness. Love can be healed, but only if two people desire to fix it. Love is sometimes one sided and that’s where it gets tricky. Falling in love is easy but falling out is hard, so take your time and pay attention to details because true love will find you.