Depression

Sometimes the walls feel like they’re closing in on me and I have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. What makes it worse is, the walls are in my mind and all I seem to have is myself and negative thoughts..unfortunately, self doubt and low self esteem temporarily controls my life. Explaining an inner battle that I’ve been experiencing on and off for years is very difficult. No matter how much I pour my pain out & my tears bleed down my face, my peers and loved ones never seem to fully grasp the entire concept. My heart screams for complete understanding instead of constantly feeling belittled or judged. Everyone wants to tell you to pray and be strong but what if you’ve already done that ? I continue to have faith everyday and never lose sight in God but this is a pattern. Every year for the past 6 or 7 years I’ve had this same feeling. It’s quite noticeable that when I start to feel this way, I start feeling as if I’m not good enough at anything I do and life for me is pointless. Being depressed and having clinical depression are two totally different battles. One is temporarily feeling sad about a situation and another is losing interest in everything that usually makes you happy, not being able to get yourself out of bed, doing things carelessly and not caring about the consequences because you have become numb. It is not a phase, it’s a pattern and until you get treated it will keep preventing you from living a normal life. There are many triggers to depression but the main one for me is not feeling appreciated or feeling like a burden. Depression for me is distancing myself from the real world, from friends, from jobs, my family, everything. If I’m not happy doing something and I feel like I’m being forced to do it that triggers me, which explains why college didn’t work because I never wanted to do that. When things got hard, it was easy for me to lose interest because I never was doing that for me. I’m constantly living my life for other people and taking advice that doesn’t really apply to me. I am not a one size fits all person and I feel my gifts and true talents are always being put to the side to impress other people. Success isn’t defined by a certain career, having a 9-5, being married before you have a kid, age, or financial status.Success comes in the face of adversity, when you’ve beat all of your inner battles and decide to take a leap and live for yourself. Back in 2018 when I left Target I was depressed, I was in cosmetology school with girls who were all in competition all damn day and then I had to go to a lousy job everyday after that barely paid me or treated me like a person. I was just an employee there and at school I didn’t feel like that was my calling, I felt as if I was a horrible stylist and was nowhere near physically talented as the other girls even though I understood the science behind hair with no problems. People talked about me behind my back, would say rude comments about me moving too slow etc ( I was always horrible at time ) Eventually, I got tired of that shit and just like college I stopped going, I’d miss class to go shopping because that made me feel better and sometimes I’d come to school and never go in, I’d just sit in the parking lot because I didn’t think it was worth my time anymore. All of these negative things I was thinking of course wasn’t true, I had clients that loved me and the fact I took my time lol but depression took over and it was never acknowledged or treated so again I gave up on something because of depression and anxiety. I was way too scared to take the test and fail.. I already felt like I wasn’t good enough so what was the point right ? Old school ways of thinking make people from the outside in think I’m just being lazy or not hardworking… neither one of those things are true about me. I have so many aspirations, I just have to get better before I can execute the master plan. I will get better and no matter what anyone thinks I should’ve/ could’ve done I will continue to follow my own path and do what makes me happy.

2020 Blues

Where do you go when outside is closed and the walls are closing in on you ?

Where do you go when the emotions are running through you like spoiled milk on a hot day and you can’t save yourself from drowning in your own mess ?

Where do you go when the people closest to you can’t ease the pain ?

Where do you go when the sunshine is dim and there’s only rain ?

Where do you go when the love just isn’t the same ?

Where the fuck do you go ?

The Root of it All Part.1

A few years ago I made a blog post about being shy and how people usually perceive me in a different light because of social media, but after further research and education, I now know I suffer from really bad social anxiety. Social anxiety is a chronic mental health condition in which social interactions can cause irrational anxiety, fear, self consciousness and embarrassment. Growing up I never really knew how to explain it but as I got older I recognized certain patterns.

Reflecting on my my adolescence, there were multiple signs indicating that something was off when it came to meeting new people.Middle school was hands down the worst experiment in my life and I honestly wish I would have been exempt, especially in sixth and seventh grade. I was the new girl in sixth grade at Indian River middle during the middle of the damn school year ( thanks Mom lol ). I was forced to be in an unfamiliar area with no familiar faces except one girl I met at rec track practice. Don’t get me wrong, even at Lake Taylor Middle I was still quiet and awkward but I was comfortable. I had grew up with a lot of the kids from ingleside elementary and my best friend, Laquisha was way more outgoing/popular than me so she kept me grounded, everything was smooth. Nobody really bothered me at that school, I had friends and favorite teachers etc. I did get in a tad bit of trouble there though ( just detention) for talking but what’s new ? Life was great.

However, when I moved to Chesapeake, Virginia from Norfolk that’s when things were put into perspective for me as far as how I felt about new people. I didn’t talk to anyone unless I was spoken to and I didn’t look at anyone, I tried to remain as nonexistent as possible. Actually if nobody saw me the better, I was so extremely terrified of interacting with those damn kids and what they’d think of me to the point where I’d just isolate myself. Of course we all know in middle school isolation doesn’t work and you become more of a target for bullies and negative interactions and that’s exactly what happened. To make a long story short, I had one friend and her name is Zaria Bazemore. She was the only one that had my back through all the fake news/drama and hating, girls wanting to fight for absolutely no reason etc. My first day there, I sat in somebody’s seat and I swear nobody liked me that whole rest of the year… I ain’t lying lol. Then apparently somebody’s boyfriend tried to talk to me and also there were rumors of me starting shit with another girl I barely even knew. It’s all silly now but back then, boiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I wish I was a rock.

To make a long story short, I got highlighters thrown at me as I was walking to class, people would make rude comments every time I was around, it was crazy. Sadly, I didn’t really know how to stand up for myself that much and since I didn’t have any friends, I tried to avoid confrontation because those Chesapeake girls liked to jump people and I wasn’t messing up my hair or face for all’at. I just took it, and that shit messed up my head and made me hate that school and people in general even more. My dad had just died… from suicide and these kids were so mean to me. I was numb, nothing they had to say to me would top the pain I was already enduring. My silence wasn’t working and my anxiety was through the roof, I didn’t want to tell anyone especially not my parents. I just suffered. I finished sixth grade feeling like the ugliest, unlovable kid there was in the US. Seventh grade made it worse. I thought I made a new friend but she would tell all the guys ( even the cute ones ) at lunch that I was talking about them and I wasn’t, I never said anything and they hated me and called me ugly. One boy even said nobody will ever want you and that stuck with me for years to come.. but I’m not going into extreme detail like I just did because I know y’all tired of reading.

That’s the time period I feel my social anxiety either worsened or became more visible. After that, I didn’t really care for making new friends and I still would go out Norfolk where I felt comfortable on the weekends. By the time I got to highschool I didn’t care for any of that, I was so used to people being mean to me that I didn’t even try to make new friends. If you spoke to me cool but I still knew that didn’t mean anything and you could still be a snake. I found my tribe of friends and I stuck to them, I didn’t mingle in the halls of the popular kids and I didn’t say much unless spoken to. If I was in a class with a few people I knew, I’d be more comfortable but I became kinda disruptive at times. Making people laugh was really my only way out of being so anxious so when ppl would try to joke me I’d clap back quickly. I’ve had my fair share of parent calls and write ups for talking/disrupting class usually not just my fault but I’m the loudest so they’d hear me first.

I hated school, it wasn’t that I couldn’t do the work I just wasn’t being taught in a way that kept me interested/challenged or enthused. The only thing that kept me sane in High School was art, photography, English and lunch. People would call me dumb because I didn’t grasp the concept of math that well but they couldn’t even articulate, spell or any of that other shit you should be able to do in highschool. Either way it really got to me so now not only was I ugly and awkward, now I’m dumb too lol. I eventually just stopped letting the insults get to me and realized most of it was coming from people who were jealous of me or liked me.

Projection

Maybe I’m more fucked up than I thought..

I mean I’m receptive to the thought of having someone but allowing another person possibly hurt me to the point of no return isn’t an option. I look for things to go left so they won’t have to go right. . I’m scared.

What if you hurt me like the others ? They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I’m so certain you’ll eventually feel that way too, I’m damaged.

I’ve been trying to be more open with this whole feelings thing but it gets weird when I find myself getting too close to someone.. I’ve been disappointed, led astray , confused, misused and abused..I’m difficult.

I’ve been called that so many times from ppl who never had any intentions on trying to understand why.

I’m too deep. I like to explore what’s going on in other people’s heads so I can clarify and understand that the way they act/react are a product of their environment.

My environment was pain.

I’ve been better but from time to time I relapse into my past instead of accepting what’s in front of me.

I’ll never be perfect, I just hope you can see past my traumas.

I got me forever

you wanna get to know me ?

Do you really ? Or is my physical appearance forcing you to say things you don’t really mean

Because I’m used to that shit and I’m not going to sit here and call you a liar but I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you want to explore what my mind has to offer rather than my body..

you’re the type to make girls fall in love with your facade, the first few months you’ll pretend to be the perfect guy for me and when I least expect it you will switch up, you will become less consistent, inconsiderate and insensitive to my feelings

I’m good on that

I’m good on feelings

I’m good on temporary people

I’m good on love

I got me forever

F*** Closure

A few years ago I thought getting closure was so important to the point where I’d feel so helpless and sad if I didn’t get it. A few years ago I was also naive.

Closure doesn’t necessarily have to be someone actually explaining to you why things didn’t work out or why they decided to treat you like trash and act as if you never existed. People move different and nobody is going to think or communicate the same way as you do. As fucked up as it is to just leave someone hanging without explanation, these people do not deserve you or appreciate you and they’ve probably already displayed that prior to you guys not talking anymore. You have to really sit back and pay attention to the signs when dealing with people.

Usually people treat you or carry you a certain way because that’s the only way they know how to, it’s not always about you being a good person. People don’t care about that shit. If someone doesn’t know how to communicate, you being a good person isn’t going to change that. Hurt people hurt people, it’s a viscous cycle but it’s up to you to really observe their actions and not ignore all the red flags.

Explain this to me..

I don’t understand why you hate me..

Did I abuse me ?

Was I cruel to myself ?

Maybe I was & maybe I’m the one who needed help..

The deep cuts in my soul left ugly bruises on my heart

My peace of mind and self confidence was torn all apart

There was no me, I didn’t know her, just remembered small pieces

I couldn’t fix me, I was broken, I was tarnished & speechless

Invisible

Can I keep it real with ya’ll for a second ? This past week has been absolute hell, not because anything physically happened to me but I’ve been upset with myself.

Sometimes, I think myself into this information processing overload and it’s hard to stop. Everyday I try to remember what I’m grateful for & why I have a reason to keep going and these past couple of days, nothing has been working.

I hate that I go through things and feel so alone. Being alone & not having anything to do aside from laying in my bed & thinking even more makes things 100% worse !

Usually, I’ll go for a walk or go the beach or something & that’ll help but I didn’t have time to go.

Yesterday, I went to the pool by myself knowing it was closing in like 30 mins but it felt sooo good, I can’t explain it..I was the only black person in that damn pool by myself but a lady came and said one thing to me “It feels so good doesn’t it?” & that made me smile.. she then told me to enjoy the rest of my evening before she left..isn’t that crazy ? Another person simply acknowledging I was there gave me some sort of boost. I was like damn, maybe I’m not completely invisible.

As much as we hate to admit it, sometimes we just need people.

Be kind to strangers, you never know what type of day they’re having.