Depression

Sometimes the walls feel like they’re closing in on me and I have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. What makes it worse is, the walls are in my mind and all I seem to have is myself and negative thoughts..unfortunately, self doubt and low self esteem temporarily controls my life. Explaining an inner battle that I’ve been experiencing on and off for years is very difficult. No matter how much I pour my pain out & my tears bleed down my face, my peers and loved ones never seem to fully grasp the entire concept. My heart screams for complete understanding instead of constantly feeling belittled or judged. Everyone wants to tell you to pray and be strong but what if you’ve already done that ? I continue to have faith everyday and never lose sight in God but this is a pattern. Every year for the past 6 or 7 years I’ve had this same feeling. It’s quite noticeable that when I start to feel this way, I start feeling as if I’m not good enough at anything I do and life for me is pointless. Being depressed and having clinical depression are two totally different battles. One is temporarily feeling sad about a situation and another is losing interest in everything that usually makes you happy, not being able to get yourself out of bed, doing things carelessly and not caring about the consequences because you have become numb. It is not a phase, it’s a pattern and until you get treated it will keep preventing you from living a normal life. There are many triggers to depression but the main one for me is not feeling appreciated or feeling like a burden. Depression for me is distancing myself from the real world, from friends, from jobs, my family, everything. If I’m not happy doing something and I feel like I’m being forced to do it that triggers me, which explains why college didn’t work because I never wanted to do that. When things got hard, it was easy for me to lose interest because I never was doing that for me. I’m constantly living my life for other people and taking advice that doesn’t really apply to me. I am not a one size fits all person and I feel my gifts and true talents are always being put to the side to impress other people. Success isn’t defined by a certain career, having a 9-5, being married before you have a kid, age, or financial status.Success comes in the face of adversity, when you’ve beat all of your inner battles and decide to take a leap and live for yourself. Back in 2018 when I left Target I was depressed, I was in cosmetology school with girls who were all in competition all damn day and then I had to go to a lousy job everyday after that barely paid me or treated me like a person. I was just an employee there and at school I didn’t feel like that was my calling, I felt as if I was a horrible stylist and was nowhere near physically talented as the other girls even though I understood the science behind hair with no problems. People talked about me behind my back, would say rude comments about me moving too slow etc ( I was always horrible at time ) Eventually, I got tired of that shit and just like college I stopped going, I’d miss class to go shopping because that made me feel better and sometimes I’d come to school and never go in, I’d just sit in the parking lot because I didn’t think it was worth my time anymore. All of these negative things I was thinking of course wasn’t true, I had clients that loved me and the fact I took my time lol but depression took over and it was never acknowledged or treated so again I gave up on something because of depression and anxiety. I was way too scared to take the test and fail.. I already felt like I wasn’t good enough so what was the point right ? Old school ways of thinking make people from the outside in think I’m just being lazy or not hardworking… neither one of those things are true about me. I have so many aspirations, I just have to get better before I can execute the master plan. I will get better and no matter what anyone thinks I should’ve/ could’ve done I will continue to follow my own path and do what makes me happy.

The Root of it All Part 2

Being socially awkward in middle/highschool can really be frustrating because kids are very insensitive and have no morals most of the time. When you’re small and what most people think as of timid you instantly become a target. I remember trying to stay to myself as much as possible and never wanting to be in the spotlight. It wasn’t until highschool I attended games and extra curricular activities other than running track because I was SO terrified of crowds and what people would think of me, how I dressed, how I look etc. Having social anxiety really makes you overthink and be super self conscious.

Today, I am 25 years old and very much so still this way. Social anxiety can only be maintained with medication but not cured and a lot of people misunderstand my personality because of it. It’s so bad to the point where I actually wanted to get on medication but who really wants to be a lesser, zombie, version of them self just because of a disorder.

People often mistake me as being outgoing because I like to go out and have fun with my friends. When I’m around my friends, ( all more outgoing than myself ) I feel like I have a protective shield but unfortunately that shield isn’t quite strong enough and I’ve always relied heavily on alcohol to back that up.

I originally started drinking as a coping mechanism when I was going through a very rough patch in my life back in 2015 and that’s when the heavy partying followed up as well. I soon realized that alcohol gave me a power and that power was: social anxiety elimination. With liquor I could be myself in different environments and completely not give a shit about what anyone thought of me. As we all know this isn’t healthy at all and I don’t recommend it but this is my sad truth.

Over the years, I’ve battled with this anxiety and quite frankly I’m over it and wish I wasn’t this way. My friends didn’t understand at first why Is always say “I need a drink, I can’t do this” no quicker than we walked in the door. Everything makes me nervous and I can’t help it.

The next time you see someone who seems standoff-ish or anti social, please don’t assume they’re just stuck up. I really beg you to start a conversation with them because if they’re anything like me all it takes is someone to bring good vibes around and make them feel welcome. They will eventually warm up to you and you’ll realize they were never stuck up just nervous to talk to you.

Projection

Maybe I’m more fucked up than I thought..

I mean I’m receptive to the thought of having someone but allowing another person possibly hurt me to the point of no return isn’t an option. I look for things to go left so they won’t have to go right. . I’m scared.

What if you hurt me like the others ? They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I’m so certain you’ll eventually feel that way too, I’m damaged.

I’ve been trying to be more open with this whole feelings thing but it gets weird when I find myself getting too close to someone.. I’ve been disappointed, led astray , confused, misused and abused..I’m difficult.

I’ve been called that so many times from ppl who never had any intentions on trying to understand why.

I’m too deep. I like to explore what’s going on in other people’s heads so I can clarify and understand that the way they act/react are a product of their environment.

My environment was pain.

I’ve been better but from time to time I relapse into my past instead of accepting what’s in front of me.

I’ll never be perfect, I just hope you can see past my traumas.

Heal

We live in a generation where turning cold has become so normalized and justified because we’d rather do that than to fully understand the situation at hand, not just that but do we even take time to actually understand how the other person is feeling or their point of view?
I can guarantee you that before shit hit the fan there were signs in a million places but you just weren’t paying attention.
I place the blame in equal parts of a bad situation. No matter what I’ve been through I’ll never have hate in my heart for a soul. If I fucked with you, that was real so turning my back was never an option..we crossed paths for a reason or a season & I’ve grown into such a better fckin person and woman because of all the bull shit so you will NEVER catch me holding grudges , being cold or pretending someone doesn’t exist, that’s truly corny..if you have to act like that then maybe you haven’t fully healed from your own shit and traumas so I pray you get your peace.
You can’t forgive anyone until you forgive yourself.You can’t forgive yourself until you self reflect and heal. When you truly love yourself, you treat others based on your character & not how others have treated you in the past. Your past doesn’t define who you are or negatively impact your character unless you let it. Hurting people, holding grudges , purposely inflicting senseless pain is a reflection of how you feel on the inside about yourself.
Heal Baby ..