Depression

Sometimes the walls feel like they’re closing in on me and I have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. What makes it worse is, the walls are in my mind and all I seem to have is myself and negative thoughts..unfortunately, self doubt and low self esteem temporarily controls my life. Explaining an inner battle that I’ve been experiencing on and off for years is very difficult. No matter how much I pour my pain out & my tears bleed down my face, my peers and loved ones never seem to fully grasp the entire concept. My heart screams for complete understanding instead of constantly feeling belittled or judged. Everyone wants to tell you to pray and be strong but what if you’ve already done that ? I continue to have faith everyday and never lose sight in God but this is a pattern. Every year for the past 6 or 7 years I’ve had this same feeling. It’s quite noticeable that when I start to feel this way, I start feeling as if I’m not good enough at anything I do and life for me is pointless. Being depressed and having clinical depression are two totally different battles. One is temporarily feeling sad about a situation and another is losing interest in everything that usually makes you happy, not being able to get yourself out of bed, doing things carelessly and not caring about the consequences because you have become numb. It is not a phase, it’s a pattern and until you get treated it will keep preventing you from living a normal life. There are many triggers to depression but the main one for me is not feeling appreciated or feeling like a burden. Depression for me is distancing myself from the real world, from friends, from jobs, my family, everything. If I’m not happy doing something and I feel like I’m being forced to do it that triggers me, which explains why college didn’t work because I never wanted to do that. When things got hard, it was easy for me to lose interest because I never was doing that for me. I’m constantly living my life for other people and taking advice that doesn’t really apply to me. I am not a one size fits all person and I feel my gifts and true talents are always being put to the side to impress other people. Success isn’t defined by a certain career, having a 9-5, being married before you have a kid, age, or financial status.Success comes in the face of adversity, when you’ve beat all of your inner battles and decide to take a leap and live for yourself. Back in 2018 when I left Target I was depressed, I was in cosmetology school with girls who were all in competition all damn day and then I had to go to a lousy job everyday after that barely paid me or treated me like a person. I was just an employee there and at school I didn’t feel like that was my calling, I felt as if I was a horrible stylist and was nowhere near physically talented as the other girls even though I understood the science behind hair with no problems. People talked about me behind my back, would say rude comments about me moving too slow etc ( I was always horrible at time ) Eventually, I got tired of that shit and just like college I stopped going, I’d miss class to go shopping because that made me feel better and sometimes I’d come to school and never go in, I’d just sit in the parking lot because I didn’t think it was worth my time anymore. All of these negative things I was thinking of course wasn’t true, I had clients that loved me and the fact I took my time lol but depression took over and it was never acknowledged or treated so again I gave up on something because of depression and anxiety. I was way too scared to take the test and fail.. I already felt like I wasn’t good enough so what was the point right ? Old school ways of thinking make people from the outside in think I’m just being lazy or not hardworking… neither one of those things are true about me. I have so many aspirations, I just have to get better before I can execute the master plan. I will get better and no matter what anyone thinks I should’ve/ could’ve done I will continue to follow my own path and do what makes me happy.

The Public School System is Trash 🗑

So I’ve been thinking..

growing up, teachers would say I have so much potential, but I didn’t meet the credential and they failed to note that they couldn’t stimulate my mental.. where was that on my report card ?

We are not robots

We don’t all learn the same

Next time you sit with a kid, ask open ended questions and actually pick their brain.. but wait ? Can we do that ? Can we actually sit and obtain information from each child’s brain ?

Let me guess.. the ratio of students to a teacher is way too high, so we don’t actually get to know students, we just teach them enough to get by.

You love the logical-mathematical learner but what about the 8 other forms of intelligence? If you’re a teacher I know you’ve heard of Gardner. If a kid doesn’t grasp a concept right away it doesn’t make him or her less smart it just means they need to be taught a different way. Let’s take accountability here ! Children need good role models, patience & someone who genuinely cares about their performance not ridicule or embarrassment for not understanding something on the first try.

Teachers, right along with parents shape kids to be what they are as they get older so if we plant insecurities at a young age and make them feel less than, that’s what they will grow up to be..a walking question mark, never trusting their own decisions and downplaying their intelligence all because you told them they weren’t good at a particular subject.

Standardized tests don’t measure intelligence and neither does GPA. Your gpa honestly just measures your dedication and if school isn’t your thing because you’ve never been taught a way in which you understand, your gpa will reflect that.

We need better teachers and we need more understating from parents as well.

Also, parents please stop boasting about your kids to the point where they’re going to school embarrassing others for not learning the way they do, it’s a mirror of your own insecurities and character. I say this because those same kids grow up to be arrogant assholes all because they can crack a difficult equation they will never use in life under 2 mins.

We teach children it’s ok to be different but do we actually mean it or does it just sound good ?

Thanks for coming to my jumbled ted talk..